Say, did you see that TV quiz show the other night where a Texan, an Oklahoman and an guy from Louisiana were competing? The game host asked them to complete this sentence: "Old MacDonald had a . . . ." The Texan spoke right up and said, "Old MacDonald had an oilwell." "No, that's wrong," said the host. "I've got it," said the Okie. "Old MacDonald had a fishing pole." "Sorry, that's also wrong," the host said. The fellow from Louisiana said in his best Cajun accent: "Old MacDonald had hisself a farm." "Close enough," yelled the host. "And now, for the grand prize of $1 million spell 'farm'." The Cajun thought a minute then said, "E-I-E-I-O".
*****
Do you know what they call a 1963 Ford LTD in El Paso? The bridal suite.
*****
Well, Texas is experiencing an unforunate growth in the crime rate. There are two main reasons for this unprecidented rise in crime: first, there are more non-Texans here than ever before; and second, the criminals are just not as smart as they used to be. Just last week a guy from Arkansas broke into a store down in Colorado City. What gave him away was the fact that he broke out two widows in the store, one to get in and one to get out.
*****
Look, I don't want to say that New Mexico women are ugly, but the latest fad there is for them not to shave their legs. They put them up in rollers.
*****
Alaskans are forever trying to outdo Texas in having the largest this or that. Here a while back there was a 7 ft. 9 in. Alaskan who swaggered into a clothing store in Abilene and bragged about being the tallest person in either Alaska or Texas. But when the guy asked to see some sports coats, the clerk put him in his place. He directed him to the Boy's Wear on the 2nd floor.
*****
Do you know why women in Oklahoma should never wear yellow? So people won't yell, "Taxi!" at them.
*****
Did you know that 93 % of Louisiana women have chipped teeth? That's from catching Frisbees.
*****
Do you know how folks in east Texas get an Arkansas Razorback down out of a tree? They cut the rope.
*****
I heard about a new church over in Hobbs, New Mexico. It's the Church of What Turns You On. And they have replaced the 10 Commandments with six suggestions.
*****
I grew up out in Fillmore, California, a little place about 70 miles north of Los Angeles. It was a wonderful place. Whenever the morning fog lifted, we could see the smog as clear as day. They have different marriage customs in California. To them a mixed marriage has nothing to do with race; a mixed marriage in California is when the husband and the wife are opposite sexes. That's why at a California wedding one of the great guessing games is in wondering whose wedding gown will be prettier, the bride's or the grooms.
*****
Say, did you hear about the cheerleader at Texas A & M who got her birth-control pills mixed up with her saccharin tablets? Now she has the sweetest little baby in College Station.
*****
There's a fast food joint up in Lubbock that's running a brand new promotion. The first prize is an all-expense-paid one-week stay in Amarillo. And the second prize is for a two-week stay in Amarillo.
*****
When I was going to school at dear old Fillmore Union High School in Fillmore, California, we had Sex Education. Yeah, even way back then. It was called recess. And our class favorite was a cute little redhead named Janie Bigbottom. She was a girl of few words. The word she used most was, "Next". And if she wanted to date you more than once, she would stamp your hand.
*****
The folks in Canyon, Texas got a little bad publicity recently. It seems that a senior pscychology major at West Texas State University was arrested for indecent exposure at a local coin-operated laudry. The police caught him standing there in the nude. But he explained by pointing to the sign over the dryer: "When you are finished, please remove all your clothes."
*****
We here in Texas have been hit hard by the depression in the oil patch and in farming, but it's worse in Louisiana. How bad is it? It's so bad that one poorly educated and unemployed Cajun in Lake Charles, Louisiana picked up a newspaper and read the headline: "Man Wanted for Robbery in Tennessee" and he told his wife he was thinking about applying for the job.
*****
Do you know the difference between a rich Texan and a poor Texan? A poor Texas has to wash his own Mercedes.
*****
I see where the Texas Department of Corrections has instituted some innovative programs to change the behavior of prisoners. Down in the state prison in Huntsville they've been very successful in treating sex offenders. What they do is this: they give the prisoners pictures of Arkansas women and that cures them of all sexual desires.
*****
Here's a news flash straight from the student library at the University of Arkansas. The board of regents of the University of Arkansas just voted to shut the library down when it was discovered that someone stole the book.
*****
Just because you're smart in one area doesn't mean you know much about other things. Take the guy down in Brownsville who was a great accountant, but a very poor hunter. The guy when out hunting one day and he got killed. It was terrible. He really thought he was on to some big game and he followed the tracks for over a mile before the train hit him.
***** You probably won't believe this now, but I was terribly bashful when I was a teenager. In fact, I didn't know how to act on my first date. I took this cute little blond to the drive-in movie and we snuggled up, but I didn't know what to do next. It didn't take her long to see that she had a beginner on her hands, so half-way through the credits she started running her fingers through my hair and kissing my neck. Then she whispered in my ear, "Stan, would you like to see where I had my appendix taken out?" Well, I was bashful but I wasn't stupid. I said, "Heck, no. I've been in a hospital before."
*****
Texans tend to take their politics darned seriously, no matter whether it is in Dallas or San Antonio or Demmitt or Spur. Fortunately, after the heat of the battle has subsided a bit there are some clear-thinking folks who try to mend the fences. Sort of. Althought some attempts at bridge-building often have a little venom left to spill, as in this poem by Jackie Kannon: The election is over, the result is known. The will of the people is clearly shown. Let's forget the quarrels and show by our deeds We'll give our leader all the help that he needs So let's all get together and let bitterness pass. I'll hug your elephant and you kiss my...donkey.
*****
I wouldn't want to insinuate that my neighbor a few doors down is a liar, but I have noticed that even his dog won't come when he calls.
*****
I see where the Federal Drug Administration has sent notices to every doctor and pharmacist in Arkansas to notify them that from now on all rectal thermometers are banned in Arkansas. New medical evidence shows that Arkansans who used rectal thermometers were showing signs of brain damage. So the FDA has called for an immediate withdrawal.
*****
What do you call a cold hotdog, three jars of pickles, a pile of manure and a tractor that won't start? That's the New Mexico State Fair in beautiful downtown Albuququ.
*****
Do you have any idea just how fat the women in Louisiana are? They're so fat that they can't get their ears pierced. They have to go down to the dock and have them harpooned.
*****
Have you heard the reason why Okies eat so many red beans for lunch on Saturdays? That's so they can take a bubble bath on Saturday night.
*****
Homecooking is sure not what it used to be. Just the other morning my wife started to cook breakfast and she said she wanted to use up some leftovers. She said, "Do you want liver pancakes, codfish pancakes, spinach pancakes or chili pancakes?"
*****
I'm beginning to wonder just how smart my investment counselor really is. The guy told me to put consolidate all the money in our savings accounts and put that money into CD's. So I did. I rushed down to the record store and loaded up on CD's by Dolly Parton, Don Williams and George Strait. But I still don't see how that's supposed to make me more money.
*****
A graduate of Texas A & M couldn't find a regular job, so he went down to Latin America and became an illegal gun runner, smuggling guns into different countries. Unfortunately, the Aggie was caught in the act, found guilty and sentenced to die in front of a firing squad. As the death sentence was about to be carried out, the captain of the firing squad walked over to the Aggie and offerred him the traditional last cigarette. But the Aggie waved it away and said, "Thanks, but the Surgeon General of the United States says that cigarettes are hazardous to my health."
*****
Two guys who drive buses for West Elementary school in Snyder were sitting around the bus barn talking the other day. One of them said, "Did you hear on the radio where Congress is going to enact some tougher child abuse laws?" The older bus driver replied, "It's about time. I've had to put up with too much child abuse already from the kids on my bus route."
*****
I have a friend who is having a mid-life crisis. The guy wishes he had gone and ahead and become a manicurist back when he was younger. Why a manicurist? Because they make money hand over fist.
*****
Our boss here at the radio station is such a nice guy, and he really knows how to handle job applicants with style and grace. Like the guy who came in one day to apply for a job as a d.j. and the poor guy was so dumb that he filled out the aptitude test on the wrong side. When the nerd gave the test to the boss he explained what happened and said, "I hope that doesn't count against me." And the boss said, "No, of course not, we've had graduates of Texas A & M apply for jobs before."
*****
There's a grocery store down in Sweetwater that is owned by one of those big chain operations. And it seems that the personnel department in the home office hired a young guy and sent him over to Sweetwater to be the assistant manager of the store. When he arrived, the store manager gave him a warm welcome, handed him a broom and said, "You can start by sweeping out the store." Well, that really upset the new assistant manager. The young man puffed up and said, "But, sir, I'm a graduate of Texas A & M." "Oh, pardon me," the manager said. "I'm terribly sorry. No one told me you are an Aggie. Here, give me the broom and I'll show you how."
*****
Do you know what an Okie means when he brags about "dabbling in oil"? He means he works at a gas station.
*****
Do you have any idea what a New Mexican is talking about when he says he has a set of matched crystal? It means he has three empty pickle jars with the same labels.
*****
I don't know about this young generation. I was in Corpus Christi a couple of years ago and overheard a strange conversation between a cab driver and a very young woman who was about to have a baby. She said to the cab driver, "Please hurry and take me to the fraternity ward." "Lady, you mean maternity ward, don't ya?" he said. "Oh, yes, of course. I've got to see an upturn." "Upturn? Lady, you mean an intern, don't you?" She threw up her hands and yelled, "Fraternity! Maternity! Upturn! Intern! What difference does it make? All I know is that I'me stagnant!"
*****
Congressmen are fond of making foreign junkets at taxpayer's expense, supposedly on "fact finding trips". One Texas senator a few years back went on a month-long tour of Africa. His host in Africa took him out in the bush to see how the backward and illiterate natives lived. The tribe gathered together to hear what the Texas senator had to say. The Texan spoke in glowing terms about how much the United States cared for this tribe. And as soon as the translator translated his words, the earth nearly shook as the whole tribe shouted, "Ommdagaga!" That was just like saying Amen to a preacher or sic up to a dog, and the Texas senator told them that he would do all in his power to get a bill passed to help improve their lives. The translator conveyed the senator's words to them in their own language. And, again, they nearly went into a frienzie as they shouted, "Ommdagaga!" After his speech, he noticed two handsome bulls behind the shabby huts of the village and he asked his host of he could walk over and look at them. "Sure," the host said, "only be careful not to step in the ommdagaga!"
*****
Did you hear about the Louisiana Cajun who willed his body to science? Science is contesting the will.
*****
There's a guy across town who finally broke down and told his 12-year-old son about the birds and the bees. Maybe he didn't make himself crystal clear. The reason I say that is because two days later the kid came running in from mowing the yard, yelling that he had been stung by a bee and was pregnant for sure!
*****
I like to waterski and I don't like to snow ski. Like all good Texas, I realize that if God had intended for Texans to ski he would have given us a mountain.
*****
Texas farmers and ranchers are getting more scientific all the time. Computerized bookkeeping. Scientifically selected grass and cotton seeds. And now there's a sheep farmer who is feeding his sheep ironized yeast. His theory is that he can get a better price for steel wool.
*****
Say, I really like the new slogan that our local pest exterminators came up with. Their new slogan is, "We Make Your Ants Say Uncle!"
*****
Talk about bad luck. A circus came to Sweetwater recently and the magician made a slight mistake. He was supposed to do his standard trick of appearing to saw a pretty young lady in two. Unfortunately, his chain saw slipped. She's now in the Sweetwater hospital, Rooms 217 and 218.
*****
My wife is about as much fan at a party as a pork chop at a bar mitzvah.
*****
Unless you wear glasses, you'll never know how inconvenient it is to have bad eyesight. Why, I even heard about a near-sighted glow worm who fell in love with a cigarette butt. And I once saw a nearsighted firefly back into an electric fan and get delighted.
*****
I guess most people had part-time jobs while they were in high school. I know I did. I was a pilot. No, really. Well, actually, I was a pilot in a stable. I used to pilot over here, then pilot over there.
*****
The personnel director for the traveling circus ran this ad in the help wanted section of the newspaper: "Man wanted to be fired out of cannon. Must be of high caliber and willing to travel. Great opportunity to get loaded twice a day. You, too, can be a big shot."
*****
Do you know how a man can tell when the honeymoon is over? The moment his wife makes him wash and iron his own apron.
*****
This new emphasis on equality of the sexes has really made some women aggressive. I was walking down the street the other day and overheard two eight-year-old boys arguing about their fathers. One of them said, "My dad can beat your dad." And the other boy said, "So what? So can my mother."
*****
The local Lions Club had an unusual guest speaker last week. Mrs. I.M. Dimwitt told about her forthcoming book, Ten Easy Ways to Sew On Bellybuttons.
*****
A professor at a school for morticians was teaching an advanced-level course. And one day he decided to bring in a human body, a cadaver, and remove the organs one by one and identify them for the student morticians. He took a surgical knife and disected the body and began removing the organs. "This is the heart....and this is the liver.....and this is the kidney," he said as he continued working. One student was tardy and as he entered the room he asked another student what the heck was going on. The other student said, "Shhhh. Quiet! The professor's giving an organ recital."
*****
Did you ever get the feeling that all your college degree is worth is just a license to work for some guy who never went to college?
*****
My friend, Walter Smudgepot, is a freshman at the University of Texas. Poor old Walter called me the other day and he was terribly upset. He said his sister had become a mother that very morning but he didn't know if the baby was a boy or a girl. I asked him why in the world that should upset him and he explained. He said, "Well, golly, I wanta find out whether I'm an aunt or an uncle."
*****
Back in the early days of Texas, old Judge Roy Bean was confronted with a touchy situation. It seems that a grizzly old prospector was accused of having two wives. The man was hauled before Judge Roy Bean and the judge said, "You're going to have to give up one of your wives." The prospector protested. He pounded his fists on the judge's bench and said, "That ain't right, your honor. I love Kate. And I love Edith, too. And I don't want to give up either of 'em." The judge bangled his gavel and said, "Order in the court! Now listen, here, you know the law west of the Pecos says you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
*****
My next door neighbor is a religious nut. In fact, until I met him I thought "dogmatic" referred to a windup dog.
*****
Some people refer to the people of Israel as God's chosen people, but one thing for certain, Eskimo's are God's frozen people. When other people get married, you know it won't be long before you hear the pitter-patter of little feet; but with Eskimo's it's the chatter of tiny teeth.
*****
There are some phrases that should be labeled, "Do Not Use Under Any Circumstances". These phrases, for example, for many people have been their famous last words: "Aw, honey, I'm not gonna pay an electrician to come out here when I can fix it in a jiffy." "Hop off that motorcycle, son, and I'll show you how to ride it." "Don't be nervous, those thugs won't bother us in broad daylight." "I've got the right-of-way, so let that truck look out for me." "Is this guy bothering you, lady?" "Officer, you wouldn't give a guy with my connections a ticket would you?" "I can stop that little leak under the sink by just tightening up this joint a bit." "Oh, yeah? You wouldn't dare!"
*****
There was a pretty teenage girl who lived in a city where there was a college for morticians. She met a student from the mortician college at the supermarket one day and they began dating. That was all right, except for the fact that the future funeral home director picked her up for each date in a hearse. She didn't mind it nearly as bad as her father did, and finally he told her see could him again. Well, she did as her father said and never saw that particular guy again. But she started dating one of his fraternity brothers, another would-be mortician who also drove a hearse. After her first date with her new boyfriend, her father arrived home just in time to see the boy's hearse pulling away from the house. He ran inside and yell at his daughter, "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you with that boy again!" "But, papa," she cried. "You just don't understand. That is a hearse of a different caller."
*****
*****
There was a sheepherder high up in the mountains of Colorado. And each summer he always hired a college student to take his place guiding his herd of 1,000 sheep over the mountain pastures. Last summer he had three applicants for the job: a jive-talking dude from UCLA; a soft-spoken southerner from the University of Mississippi; and a guy who was a junior at West Texas State University. The sheep rancher couldn't decide which student to hire, so he hit on the idea of letting each one take the sheep out on one day.
The next morning the student from UCLA headed out with the sheep herd, but he came back in an hour and quit because of the awful smell. So the rancher immediately sent the Mississippi Univeristy student out with the sheep, but that student also only lasted two hours and he quit because of the terrible odor. So the rancher sent the student from student from West Texas State University out with the sheep, and two hours later the whole herd came back in.
*****
Maybe you haven't been around an Indian Reservation lately, but what do they call an Indian who wraps himself up in a rough wool blanket? A scratchy Apache.
*****
Romance can blossom almost anywhere. Did you read about the girl fly who met a boy fly inside a trombone? They went out on a toot together.
*****
My Uncle Alfred N. Ventor is a wonderful handyman who sometimes comes up with some ingenious ideas. In fact, he once invented the world's most powerful glue. It made Superglue seem like silly putty. He only had one slight problem when it came to manufacturing the glue. Nobody could get the caps off the bottles.
Actually, though, Uncle Alfred's biggest claim to fame is the fact that he invented a newspaper that sticks to the ceiling. It's for people who like to read while gargling."
*****
I'm here to tell you that I grew up in a law and order town. Our chief of police didn't let anybody get away with anything. For example, if you were caught jaywalking they fined you $10. And if they ever caught you again, they impounded your shoes for 30 days."
*****
Seems like some people just go through life trying to make it hard on other folks. There's a fella who lives south of our place that is so mean he gives his wife corn on the cob and then hides her teeth. He goes down to the city park every day and feeds Mexican jumping beans to the pigeons. I do believe that he'd put a thumbtack on the seat of the electric chair.
*****
It must be a form of purgatory to live in the same house with a person who is a perfectionist about cleanliness. Yuk! I once roomed with a guy who was so fastidious that every day he placed fresh newspapers under the bird in the cuckoo clock. That poor guy even tried to join the Ku Klux Klan, but he backed out when they wouldn't give him a contoured sheet.
*****
Have you ever known anyone who was as nervous as Barney Fife, the character Don Knotts played on The Andy Griffith Show? I knew a man like that once. He was about as nervous as a nudist crawling through a barbed-wire fence.
*****
When the TV news programs show the plight of the poor it takes me back to my early childhood. We were do doggone poor that when me and my twin brother were babies our momma and daddy always wrapped us up in the same diaper. They told us later that putting both of us in the same diaper was the only way they could make ends meet.
*****
Big things are fairly common in Texas. But I'm still amazed at how big a house a rancher west of town built a couple of years ago. His ranch house is so darned large that when it's noon on the front porch it's already two o'clock on the back porch.
*****
Good times and bad times. We've had plenty of both here in Texas. Some people have had it worse than others, of course. Like the fella who bought a lot of cattle and the market dropped out of sight. Then he invested in oil and lost his shirt. And just when he was finally making a comeback, he invested his money in the road map business. You guessed it. He folded.
*****
Here's an easy question for you. What did the research scientist at the University of Houston get when he crossed a parrot with a centipede? Give up? A walkie-talkie.
*****
Personally, I've always believed that a female stripper was just a girl who was unsuited for her work. And it is work. Why just the other day I read about a stripper who died in the middle of her act. She bumped herself off. Another stripper up in Lubbock caught a bad cold and couldn't shake it. It's rough work, I tell you.
*****
I have to confess that I grew up in a very rough neighborhood. Any kid with no scars on his face was a sissy. And any cat walking around with a long tale was definitely a tourist.
*****
Here is today's vocabulary tip. The word to remember is "wiener". No, we're not talking about the foot-long weenie you put on a stick and roast over a fire. This wiener is a word that comes out of the southwest. It refers to the first person who crosses the finish line in a Mexican race. You know, the wiener!
*****
Did you hear about the terrible explosion of the Smith Brothers Ping-Pong Factory over in Lamesa? The earliest reports state that 32 employees were pinged and another 14 were ponged.
*****
You know you're in deep trouble when the nurses wheel you into the operating room and out of the corner of your eye you see your surgeon nervously thumbing through a book titled, How to Do Brain Surgery in Five Easy Lessons.
*****
I went into my boss's office the other day to ask him for a raise. And after I got up from my knees and wiped the tears from my eyes, I told him I if he didn't give me a raise I'd have to find another job.
He looked at me and growled, "And just how much of a raise are you wanting? You've only been here seven years, you know."
"Yes sir," I said as I swallowed hard. "But I'd at least like to just be able to break even at the end of each month."
He looked at me with those icy eyes and said, "Some people are just never satisfied are they?"
*****
My wife really gets on my nerves. I was sitting back in my recliner the other evening, watching reruns of "Rockford Files," and she started shaking her finger at me and yelling, "You bum, you ought to do something more with your mind than just watching silly TV shows."
"But dear," I said, "I always make sure that I read one book a week."
She glared at me and said, "Oh yeah? Most people don't think of TV Guide as being a book."
*****
There are at least two or three certified greasy spoon cafes in our county. One of them, "Wacko's Armadillo Burgers," recently started having a Friday Special--Armadillo Cheeseburger with calf-fries for $3.75.
Now, I know for a fact that they have the same thing on the regular menu for one dollar less. So I finally got up the nerve to ask the waitress, Bertha Bigbottom, about it. And she explained it so even I could understand:
"Listen here, Buster," she snorted, "what makes it cost more on Friday and why it is our Friday Special is 'cause the cook makes sure he doesn't burn it on Fridays."
*****
Marge Sealy of Snyder passed along a humorous letter by an author whose identity was lost in the shuffle. I've revised it a bit.
Calliwood, Hollyfornia
Dear Who and What:
I thought I'd write you a few lines and let you know the up-to-the-minute news about the last six months. We are all well as could be expected, at least for the condition we're in. We ain't sick, we just don't feel good. Uncle Nathan is dead, and I hope this letter finds you the same.
I reckon you want to hear about us moving from West Texas to Calliwood, Hollyfornia. We never turned off until we come to a crossroad, and it didn't take us any longer from the time we started until the time we arrived. The trip was the best part of all. If you ever come out here, don't miss that.
We still live at the same place we moved to last, which is beside our nearest neighbor across the road from the other side. We think we'll stay here until we move on somewhere else.
We have taken up farming. We had three cows but we sold one when we had trouble milking him. We bought us 25 roosters and a hen and we're hoping to make a pile of money in the egg business.
Of course, some of the ground out here is so poor you can't raise an umbrella on it. But we managed to get a crop of potatoes out of it--some the size of hickory nuts and then a whole lot of small ones.
Pa was taking the cows to water when a big truck went by and scared them. Now the cows get the hiccups and churn their own butter. And that reminds me, the dog died last week; he swallowed a tape measure and died by the inches. Pa said the durned dog went up the alley and died by the yard, but I think he crawled under the bed and died by the foot.
Our son, Wilbur, got the mumps and is having a swell time. And our daughter, Midred, she done swallowed a roll of film--but we're hoping nothing will develop.
By the way, I would have sent you that five dollars I owe you but I flat didn't think about it until I had already sealed this letter.
Signed
Your kinfolk in Calliwood, Hollyfornia
*****
My neighbor's 12-year-old daughter was amusing herself the other day by rollerskating on their driveway and by singing the rauncy lyrics of one of the latest hard rock songs.
When her mother heard her, she tried to use a little child psychology on her by quitely saying, "Suzie, I'd rather you didn't sing that kind of song. Why not sing a kid's song?"
Then I suppose you could say that little Suzie used some adult psycology on her radio. She kinda puffed up and then began singing, "Great greeen gobs of greasy, grimy, gopher guts....."
*****
My brother-in-law definitely has a problem with his personality. He is 35 years old and has only had five or six dates in his life. Finally, he decided he was getting older and had to do something to meet the girl of his dreams. So he enrolled in a computer dating service, filled out the biographical data and the long questionaire about his likes and dislikes and sent it off. Two weeks later he got this letter back from the computer dating service:
"Dear Sir:
"After a diligent search of our files, you seem to be perfectly matched with a Miss Inez K. Dillahunt. She indicates that she would be willing to meet you, assuming that she is released from prison as scheduled in the year 2011."
*****
Did you hear about the Aggie who tied a pair of tennis shoes on the top of his head? He had a semester exam coming up and his was trying to jog his memory.
*****
I took my teenage daughter shopping the other day. That was my first mistake. Among other things, she wanted to buy a new swim suit.
So we went into one of those ritzy looking women's stores and I sat down while she select a couple of swim suits and took them in the dressing room to try on.
A few minutes later she stepped out of the dressing room, nearly naked as an East Texas jaybird. "Well, how do you like this bikini, dad?" she said.
I kinda coughed and looked down at the carpet. "Uh, well,...I don't know about that thing. I've seen more cotton than that in the top of an aspirin bottle."
*****
Ah, how times have changed in just the last 20 years. It used to be that a heartsick guy would pick a daisey and pull one pedal off at a time, saying "She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me. She loves me not." And the last pedal, of course, would give the answer.
But just the other day I saw a guy pulling the pedals off a daisey and he was saying, "She loves me. She wants a career. She loves me. She wants a career. "
*****
I guess even newspaper columnists have bad days, those times when they're edgy and irritable. At least that's what it sounded like to me when a read a letter to this "Dear Abby" type columnist in the Galveston newspaper.
LETTER WRITER: "How can I make myself look slim and trim at the beach this summer. Signed, Size 17"
COLUMNIST: "Dear Size 17, your only hope is to buy a beach towel with vertical stripes and then stretch out to sunbathe right next to a beached whale."
*****
If you ever get to feeling sorry for the ordinary working person, just remember this wise saying: Every man has a woman, but the iceman has his pick."
*****
*****
Every once in a while you pick up the newspaper and read about a story that is so pitifully tragic and brutal that it makes tears well up in your eyes. That's how I felt when I read the newspaper account of how a 140 foot manure silo at Texas A & M's ag department fell over. That was bad. But the worst part was when the president of the university called out the security guards and had them shoot the looters.
*****
Here's a question dealing with the science of higher mathematics. How many SMU football players does it take to eat one rabbit for dinner?
The answer, of course, is three. It takes one SMU football player to eat the rabbit, plus two football players to look in each direction for cars.
*****
The boss hired a new janitor the other day, but he is not working out too well. Since the print is still wet on his degree from Amarillo College, we're hoping there is some raw talent there. However, we had to spend the first week of his training program showing him how the wastebaskets work.
*****
Do you know what they call women's purses on the campus of the University of Arkansas?
Doggie bags.
*****
My cousin up in Oklahoma is a trifle slow witted. But you have to at least give him credit for trying. For instance, last year he decided he would learn to play the piano. He never learned to read words, much less music, so he tried to play the piano by ear. He finally had to give that up. He couldn't stand the welts on his ears.
*****
My bowling buddy, old Maynard Maytubby, really got put in his place las week. It was his wife's 40th birthday and right there in front of all the party guests he began teasing her about turning forty. He popped off and said, "Honey, you better shape up or I'll trade you off for two 20-year-olds."
She gave him the evil eye and growled, "Maynard, I know for a fact you aren't wired for two-20."
*****
My personal physician, Dr. Rip U. Off, certainly goes far beyond the call of duty in providing me with the finest medical treatment. Just to show you how dedicated he is, why I've been going to him for two months now and just yesterday he told me, "I'm going to give you a few more tests before I can say with absolute certainty that I am unsure what is wrong with you." Boy, what a doctor!
*****
And speaking of doctors, the University of Texas Health Sciences Center has come up with a new medical discovery. One of their professors was doing research on frogs. He began by placing a frog on a sterile steel table, then just as he hit the table with a ballpeen hammer he yelled "Jump!" And the frog jumped.
Now, don't get ahead of me. We all know that it was no surprise that the frog jumped when he hit the table and yelled "jump". But there's more to the story.
The medical professor next took his scapel and cut off the right front leg of the frog. Then he hit the table with the hammer and yelled "Jump!", again. And, again, the frog jumped.
So he cut off the frog's left front leg and repeated the experiment. The frog jumped. And so he cut off the right back leg, and the frog still jumped.
Finally, he removed the left back leg, leaving the poor frog without any legs. Then he hit the table and yelled "Jump!" This time the frog did not jump. And the professor ran screaming down the hall, "Eureka! I've scientifically proven that when a frog's legs are surgically removed, it goes deaf!"
*****
That reminds me of just how dumb my sister's boyfriend is. He was having a little medical problem, so he went to a noted proctologist. And he insisted that the proctologist use two fingers during his retal examination. Seems that he wanted to get a second opinion.
*****
My neighbor two doors down thinks he is an inventor, and he keeps after me to invest my savings in his gadgets. His latest "invention" is a solar-powered flashlight.
*****
And now a trivia question about food. How many Aggie cooks does it take to bake six-dozen cookies?
Ten. One to stir the batter and nine to peel the M&M's.
*****
That reminds me of the rude awakening I had when my wife and I returned from our honeymoon. It the first time that she fixed supper that I realized she might not be the best cook in the world. That was when I saw her using our Chihuahua's food bowl as a jello mold.
*****
My sister-in-law is a wee bit flaky, too. She was watching one of those TV talk shows the other day and heard the host announce that he would be talking with a group of bisexuals. My sister-in-law flipped the channel and said, "I sure as heck couldn't be one of them bisexual folks. I gotta have it more'n two times a year."
*****
My next door neighbor swears that his wife is so vain, not to mention paranoid, that when she takes a bubble bath with her rubber ducky she often complains that the duck is staring at her. And she keeps telling her husband, "My one and only fault is that I have no faults. But that's certainly not my fault."
*****
I hate to admit that my priorities have shifted after so many years of marriage, but there may be at least a hint of truth when my wife tells her mother, "Oh, Stan still likes to put his arms around me. But first I have to tape a lettuce and tomato sandwich to the back of my blouse."
*****
Isn't it strange how people try to put the blame on everyone else but themselves? The guy at the next desk is only 5'6" tall, and he is forever saying that he would have been over 6' tall but his mother always cooked with too much shortening.
*****
Personally, I always liked going to school (well, almost always). But a lot of people hate it. Just yesterday the lady next door told me her son came home from school and fell down on the floor kicking and screaming about how nobody liked him at school. He complained that the teachers talked about him, that the kids made fun of him, and that even the bus drivers and the custodians were prejudiced against him. "I just can't take it any more, mom," he said. "I'm never going back to school."
"Now, now, sonny," his mother said. "we all have to do some things we don't like. You'll have to go back to school. After all, you're 38 years old and you're the principal."
*****
When he was serving as Vice President, the late Nelson Rockerfeller said that President Gerald Ford promised to assign important responsibilites to him. "In fact," Rockerfeller said, "he said he was willing to make me responsible for inflation and recession."
I know how he feels. My own boss promised me a responsible position. He sure did that. When things are going right at the office, I never hear about it. But whenever anything goes wrong, I'm responsible.
*****
As the new sales manager at a radio station, I inherited some folks who were, to put it mildly, not very good sales people. In fact, one guy was such a bad salesman he couldn't sell pickles in a maternity ward.
*****
Wacko's Armadillo Burgers, west of Snyder on the Lamesa highway, is now serving breakfast as well as lunch and dinner items. They kinda got off on the wrong foot, however, by ol' Jim Bob Wacko trying to do that cooking shift himself.
One truck driver came in and sat down in a booth. When Bertha Bigbottom, the hairy-legged waitress came over, the trucker grinned at her and said, "Honey, I'd like some scrambled eggs, sausage, Texas toast and a few kind words."
Bertha took his order back to the kitchen and in a few minutes she came out with the food. The trucker, hungry for romance, looked up at her and said, "Say, honey, what about them few kind words?"
Bertha leaned over and said, "I wouldn't eat that stuff if I was you."
*****
I guess the folks at the Texas Department of Public Safety have good intentions, but some of the questions they ask on their drivers license tests are sure picky.
For example, a fella who drives 18-wheelers from outta Childress had to go in and update his license. And the examiner, a woman who delighted in making the test as tough as possible, looked him right in the eye and said, "Suppose your 18-wheeler is loaded with heavy oilfield equipment and you're headed down a steep hill with a sharp curve at the bottom and your brakes fail. On your right is a 300 foot drop into a canyon and on the left is a solid rock wall. You've got a slow moving pickup 100 yards in front of you and another 18-wheeler is headed toward you in the opposite lane. Now, your brakes have failed. What would you do?"
The trucker rubbed his stubby chin whiskers a minute and then said, "I reckon I'd reach back in my sleeper compartment and wake up George, my relief driver."
The examiner frowned and said, "What good would it do to wake up your partner?"
"Oh, it wouldn't do no good a'tall," the trucker said. "But George ain't never seen quite as bad a wreck as what we're gonna have."
*****
My boss keeps harping about increasing productivity. And I keep telling him that I'm already busier than a one-armmed paperhanger with the jock itch. Other times I tell him I feel like a one-legged man at a butt-kicking contest.
*****
Sometimes all of us have a hard times saying things just right. You see, back in 1988 I had the pleasure of introducing to a group of community leaders a man who was running for U.S. Senate. I had boned up on this guy, reading as many articles and news releases as I could. And just to be sure I got my facts right, I called his office and asked his chief of staff what I should say about the candidate. He told me that the politician preferred a brief, simple introduction without any of the typical campaign hype. So I stood up and said, "Folks, I was prepared to give this gentleman a long introduction. But I checked with his office and they told me that the less said about him the better."
*****
Planned parenthood involves much more than when to have children; it also involves preparing them for the future. That's kinda what I had in mind when my son was six years old. I've always been of the opinion that children should be free to choose their own vocations, so I decided to see which way he was leaning.
While he was watching TV, I went into his room and put three things on his bed: a Bible, a silver dollar and an apple. Then I told him to turn off the TV and go play in his room. My theory was that if I peeped in and saw him reading the Bible, then I'd encourage him to become a preacher. If he was playing with the silver dollar, then I'd try to help him become a banker. But if he was more interested in the apple, then I figured he would like to grow up to be a farmer.
When I peeped inside his room, he was sitting on the Bible, eating the apple with his left hand and clutching that silver dollar tightly in his right hand. I knew right then that he was destined to be a politician.
*****
A preacher and a politican died in the same hospital on the same day and both knocked on the Pearly Gates at the same time. St. Peter looked out and immediately began dispatching angels on various tasks. In a minute, the celestial choir began to sing and the celestial trumpeters began to play. St. Peter and a band of angels opened the gate and rushed right by the preacher and picked up the politician and carried him on their shoulders triumphantly through into heaven.
The poor old preacher tagged along, observing the great celebration. Finally, he got St. Peter off in a corner and said, "I don't want to complain, but I just don't understand. I've been a preacher since I was 22 years old. I've served in mission fields. I've always helped the poor and needy. And here you practically ignore me, while welcoming with open arms a politican, of all people."
"Oh, don't be upset, preacher," St. Peter said. "It's just that a lot of preachers make it through the Pearly Gates, but this is the very first politican we've ever had."
*****
You may know that Pecos was established in 1881 as a stop on the Texas & Pacific Railroad and that they grow some of the best cantaloupes in the world. But did you know that the father of our country, George Washington, lived there as a boy?
Well, sir, the way I heard it is that George's father bought a big cattle ranch near Pecos and moved the family out there when George was just kneehigh. One day the elder Washington went out on a roundup. While he was gone, little George got an ax and chopped down his father's favorite tree, a big mesquite tree right next to the barn. He cut that sucker close to the ground.
When the elder Washington got back home that night, he saw that the mesquite tree he dearly loved had been chopped down. And he immediately found little George and said, "What in tarnation happened to my favorite mesquite tree?"
"Father," said little George, "I cannot tell a lie. I cut down the mesquite tree with my little ax. That is the truth, father, for I cannot tell a lie."
Mr. Washington shook his head and said, "Shoot fire. If you can't tell a lie, you'll never get anywhere in Texas. George, pack your things, we're moving back to Virginia."
*****
Now that I think on it, the only time you can really be sure a politician is telling the truth is when he is calling another politician a liar!
*****
Did you hear the sad story about the beautiful, love-starved young lady who married a man in Pharr, Texas? Pharr, established in 1909 and located in far South Texas, was named after Henry N. Pharr, an early settler. And the guy she married was a big-time citrus farmer, a direct descendent of Henry Pharr and the Democratic candidate for the Texas House of Representatives.
However, the lovely lady was left unsatisfied right from their wedding night. After two weeks of unfulfilled romance, she finally went to a marriage counselor and poured out her problem. "I'm married to the Democratic candidate for the Texas House of Representatives and I just can't stand it any longer," she cried.
"There now, my dear," the marriage counselor said. "Surely that's no reason to be upset."
"You don't understand," the sexy woman sobbed. "When he comes to bed, all I get are promises, promises, promises."
*****
My maternal grandfather, John Whitehead Cauthen, grew up in Alice, Texas. Now the fact is that the town was originally called "Kleberg" when it was founded in 1888, but they changed to name in honor of the daughter of one of the founders of the famed King Ranch.
Listen, they don't just raise cattle and horses in the area around Alice. They also raise a large number of hogs. And one day the director of the Alice Chamber of Commerce was showing a big shot from New York around the area and he pointed out several wealthy hog farmers who were driving luxury cars. "And if you'll look closely," the chamber director said, "you'll see that those hog farmers have a glass partition between the front and back seats."
The visitor was puzzled. "I don't understand. Why would they want a glass partition between the seats?"
"Simple," the chamber director said. "That keeps the hogs from licking the back of their necks when they take the hogs to market."
*****
Some speakers just haven't learned the fine art of faking sincerity. Take the slightly tongue-tied professor at Lee College in Baytown who was asked to introduce three school board candidates at a local PTA meeting. He stammered and stumbled as he tried to tell a joke to loosen up the audience. Then he said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am happy to introduce to you a man who has the interest of the entire community at heart, a man who is a dedicated family man, a man who stands tall as a civic leader, a man whose great achievements are more eloquent than words."
And then he paused and turned toward the head table. "Say, fellas, which one of you wants to go first?"
*****
I'm been called a lot of things in my lifetime, but never a poet. However, here's a little diddy I wrote:
In Texas the honey is the sweetest,
And the mustangs are the fleetest.
Texas mountains tower proudest,
And our thunder claps the loudest.
Our wide open spaces are the grandest,
And we all know Texas politics is craziest.
*****
Back in the days when most people traveled overland by railroad, a Texas Congressman got on a train that on that occasion was carrying a load of patients being transferred from one insane asylum to another. The Congressman didn't like the idea of traveling with a bunch of nuts, but it was imperative for him to reach his destination on time and this was the only train he could get. So he got on board one of the railroad passenger cars and sat down on a seat next to two patients.
After a few minutes, the conductor walked through the car to check on the passengers. When he entered the car with the mentally ill patients and the Congressman, he began counting heads. "One, two, three, four, five , six, seven, eight, nine. "
As he came to where the politician was seated, the Texan winked at the conductor and said, "I'm not really a patient. I'm a Congressman."
And the conductor smiled and said, "Sure you are. Ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen...."
*****
The newspaper want ads sometimes have some items of special interest. I saw an ad the other day that said, "For sale, cheap: Unabridged dictionary, worldatlas, world almanac and complete set of brand new encyclopedias. Never used. Found out my teenager already knows everything."
*****
I'll tell you what, my fishing buddy is so dumb. He actually thinks he can fool the waitress down at the cafe into thinking that when he asks for a doggie bag he really wants to take the leftovers to his dog. Just the other night he ate a big meal, then he told the waitress, "Sweetie, would you just put the rest of my chicken fried steak in a doggie bag. And put in some bread and catsup, too, in case my old dog wants to make a sandwich."
*****
There are some almight smart people down in Beaumont, home of the great Spindletop oil discovery in 1901. But there's a certain guy down there, a fellow who graduated in the top of his class at Lamar University, who never could say the right thing at the right time. His name is McQueen, and one year he decided to visit the home of his ancestors, over in Belfast, Northern Ireland, even though he was terrified by all of the bloody fighting between the Catholics and the Protestants.
He was walking back to his hotel late one night when someone sneaked up behind him and put a knife to his throat and forced him into a dark alley. The attacker said in a thick Irish brogue, "Ay, and what religion would ye be?"
The Beaumont native, even though frightened, came up with an answer that he was sure would save his life. "I'm Jewish, and my name is Goldberg," he said.
The attacker pressed the knife closer to his throat and roared with a crazed glee, "Faith and b'gorry! I'm the luckiest Arab in Ireland!"
*****
A junior student at Howard College in Big Spring took his hot-to-trot date out to eat dinner and then drove up to Big Spring Park and parked in a secluded spot on the hill overlooking the bright lights of the city.
The well-endowed girl looked up at the guy with her sexy eyes and pooched out her ruby red lips as she purred, "Billy, if we had the top down, I think I'd be willing to make love to you right here under the stars."
Well, the next morning Billy was eating breakfast in the cafeteria there at Howard College and he told his best friend where he had gone last night and what his girl friend had said.
"Oh, man," his friend said, "how long did it take for you to get the top down."
"About 20 minutes, I guess."
"Twenty minutes? What in the world took you so long? I can get the top of my car down in two minutes."
"That's true," Billy said, "But you've got a convertible."
*****